Sexual Void
Sexual Void
by Grace Harrison
In the decades I have been with my husband, I have complained to him on more than one occasion lately, that I’m not getting sexually satisfied. In fact, it was more like we hadn’t had sex in what felt like decades, and I was pretty much starved for sexual intimacy. Don’t get me wrong, we are intimate, but more like best friends than lovers. We snuggle together each night before we drift off to sleep. In the mornings, he pulls me towards him, and we lie together entangled to start each day. We hold hands when we go out, and he still kisses me when he returns home from work each evening. Yet my grandmother once told me, “When you have nothing left to say, make sure you still have great sex.” That certainly wasn’t happening in this household.
Everything feels somewhat stale and friendly instead of sexy and heated in our little abode. I’ve tried to stimulate his sexual appetite with sexy lingerie, prancing around with thongs on as a I linger over getting dressed or undressed, and have even provided opportunities for his oral pleasure—but he never takes the bait. And on the few times that we do engage in sex, it’s more about fulfilling his desires than meeting any of mine.
It got me wondering about things, two very specific things in particular. The first was that for the first time in a long while, I thought about my old lovers that I had had before marrying my husband. My husband always was incredulous that I had “friends with benefits” for many years before meeting him. He had a conservative Catholic upbringing, and such an idea was foreign to him. Or more accurately, perhaps he just never had thought about it, as he wasn’t as sexual as I?
The second thought was, “Whatever happened to the Ashley Madison scandal?” I remember a few years ago, that website was infiltrated and hundreds of thousands of married men were exposed for the cheating jerks they really were. Was my husband on this site and so was that why he no longer craved my soft, smooth skin or the warmth of my pleasures?
So, like any smart married woman, I did two things. First, I contacted my old lovers to see what they were up to. 
These men were strewn about the world but were eager to receive my texts, calls, and e-mails. Most I’ve kept in touch with over the years, as we were both lovers and friends. Some were married now or in serious relationships, others were not. Most all wanted to reconnect and, ahem, get together. This is going to be easier than I thought. I could have sex again!
The other thing I did was to log onto Ashley Madison. Of course, you can’t just peruse through to see if your husband is there. You need to create an identity, upload photos, give yourself a description, and join. So, I did. Within minutes of my three blurred photos hitting Cheaters Anonymous (as I affectionately refer to it), I was bombarded with hundreds of queries from young and old alike! Many of the younger men sent me messages asking, “Are you into younger guys?” Yes! Of course! But honestly, not really. One of my old lovers is many years my junior, and he’s the only younger man I’d ever consider. The much older men were brazen enough to think that a sexy, smart woman of fifty-something would actually consider a guy ten, fifteen, or even twenty years older. If they only knew that twenty- and thirty-somethings were interested in me, they would shrink in defeat, I’m sure. As would my husband.
Over the next few months, I got together with old lovers and communicated back and forth with members of Cheaters Anonymous. I never did find my husband on the site. I was amused for awhile and certainly felt much better about myself with all the attention. I’m not sure how graceful the last few months have been, but I realized that something had to change at home, and my husband wasn’t about to do any changing. I had tried everything to get my husband to make some changes (physical and sexual) over the past few years. Nothing has worked to get him more interested in intimacy with me, but I did come to the understanding that we’re still together. And I either have to be okay with the way things are or move on.
Grace Harrison will soon be publishing Sexual Escapades: Tales of An Ordinary Housewife.
Photo/art credits: Intimacy by KatersArt (Australia) from deviantart.com.
